Sharing my freebirth

The longer you wait after birth to write your story the more distorted it becomes, so I'll share this writing, from a week or so post birth, which was originally instagram messages to a friend sharing my birth experience.

I woke up at 5am with a feeling, got in the tub and had my first labour pains around 7:30am. I called my mom and my sister to say I might be in labour but I wasn’t really convinced. I was having one contraction every half hour. They were strong, most of them brought me to my knees, but they spaced out to one an hour after a few hours.

I had two friends scheduled to visit that day, one who was planning on bringing me green juice, one who was coming to take my kid to the park with her daughter. So I told them both I might be in labour and when the first arrived, she organized and cleaned my entire apartment, the second took Chloe to the park for hours. So I had my house taken care of, my child taken care of, my mom running errands and Luc had rented a truck that day because he was going to pick up a desk from his brothers place in Repentigny.

I felt so taken care of and was thankful for the time alone.

I put birth affirmations all over my walls, Luc blew up the birth pool before he left, I make herbal infusions to drink and electrolyte drinks for labour, I recorded videos and I took a nap. It was beautiful. All the while one strong contraction per hour and even though I was prepared I was still not really convinced that I was in labour. I figured these sensations could go on for days.

I ate so much food that day, I was ravenous,

We had a really nice family dinner, I had a bath with Chloé before bed and once everyone was tucked in, then I really accepted I was labouring, and they started coming more frequently.

My mom helped me set up candles and an assortment of drinks and a yoga mat, pillows and a birth ball on the floor next to my bed. Luc slept in the bed and I laboured by candle light on the floor, resting and almost falling asleep between contractions. Again the time thing, I had no expectation, I knew it could be days, my focus was just on resting.

This was such a nice part of labour, just me in the dark, alone but with Luc close, a little drum beat playing and just no expectations. I loved it.

Eventually I wanted to get in the bath tub so Luc brought my candles over and I had a bath. Then I came and layed with him in the bed. It was around 2am by this time. I didn’t know that then, I had told everyone not to mention time to me. I was starting to roar through the contractions. I said to Luc, "I want the birth pool and I want my Mumma can you go get her?"

He went to 'wake' her up, she had been awake worrying and praying. When she came to sit by me in bed I was so happy to have her calm loving presence there.

Luc went and busied himself with filling the pool.

Then I puked on the bed.

Then she got me a bowl and I puked a few more times into that. It was dark so I was laying in a bed of puke for a little bit, but I didn’t care.

When the pool was ready I got in, the water was hot and felt good.

Shortly after getting in I felt a gush of my waters releasing. My mom says that once that happened she noted my sounds went from making it through a contraction to bearing down with them. I didn’t notice a difference. My only goal was to relax as much as I could once I had hit the peak of the contraction and rest in between.

I cried and gripped the side of the pool, I begged for the hands of my mumma, for Luc to be close, and just let myself be wild, not holding back anything. I remember saying “open open open” “relax relax relax” and other words of encouragement as I would come down from the latest contraction. I figure I would labour for days, never having any expectation of where I was at, all I know was, I’m in my birth process.

At one point I stood up and leaned against the wall.

I was starting to feel like a caged animal, I wanted to get out of the tub! I told Luc, get me out. I tried to lift my leg over the side, but I just couldn’t do it and the next contraction took me to my knees. I wasn’t getting out, I was stuck in the tub, I accepted my fate.

Shortly after that, or at some point later I felt baby starting to descend in my pelvis. I put my finger inside myself for the first time and felt something a knuckle in, I said, I think I can feel the baby. My mom tells me later this was 4:20am.

I am squatting and leaning back arms either side hugging the pool, and the contractions space waaaay out and the pain stops and I just breathe. I get so quiet, I can feel something beginning to come out of me and then when the contraction ends it goes back up, this happens several times. I am patient, 'don’t rush this' I think, 'let your body open slowly, baby will come, you could be doing this for hours, don’t rush this, just breathe.'

I feel the baby dropping lower and lower with every sensation. I am not pushing, my body is doing this. At one point I think, I’m gonna hold baby down so they don’t go back up after this contraction, and at the end of it, I give the tiniest amount of effort and baby stays down. The next contraction and something is really coming out of me. I don’t touch it until the contraction is over. I am so quiet and so calm. I open my eyes for the first time in hours, I reach down and I’m touching something large, round, and slippery. My mom is sitting in front of me, it’s pitch black, I look to my right where Luc was and he isn’t there. He’s laying on the couch. “Babe”, I call “you’re missing it”. “I’m right here babe” he responds. “Ya but you can’t see what’s coming out of my vagina”

My mom gasps, “something’s coming out of your vagina!?”

Luc rushes over, they both say it’s dark, I say use a light, they flick on two lights and I say “no a flashlight!” They turn off the lights and tell me it’s a head. “Ok” I respond nonchalantly. I don’t care if it’s a head or a bum, but it’s cool to know that slime and softness might be hair on my baby’s head. Even today, her head is so soft and fuzzy.

Baby starts kicking inside of me, what a strange sensation. I start talking to her. "I know, I know, we’re almost there." I expect to feel her rotate but she just keeps kicking. I decide to move onto my knees and to keep my hands on her head to help her get the shoulders out, or to just feel that they’re coming out. I make a mental note that I can feel cord around her neck. I’m not worried, I know this is normal, but now I know I might have to take it off her neck.

One more contraction, a few grunts later and out she shoots into the water.

I feel around for the cord, it’s super tight, I’m going to have to rotate her body, I reach behind me to find her legs, they’re not there. I’m confused until I realize they’re still inside of me. I pull them out and spin her around. I am saying “twice twice” it’s wrapped around twice tight. I pull her up to my chest and out of the water. She is pink and floppy. I’m not worried at all. She was kicking me moments ago, now I’m going to give her time to come around, to make her transition into this world.

I talk to her and examine her and rub her head and her body. She begins to gasp but isn’t breathing yet. I suck what I can from her mouth and nose with mine. I keep talking to her and rubbing her holding her close. I kiss her, I lean her head down bum in the air across my knees to help her drain. She gasps a few more times.

My mom is freaking out, very nervous, I assure her it takes time, she has been kicking and vigorous the entire labour, reassuring me she is ok.

This transition takes several minutes, I am so calm but right before she cries I get nervous enough to ask Luc to Google “newborn gasping” I’ve never seen it before so I don’t know how normal it is. I blow one breathe of air into her hoping to trigger her breath reflex.

Finally she cries, her lungs sound a little liquid filled, but the crying is good and keeps getting better. My mom cries with relief and I ask Luc what time it is. "5am" he says. Our baby is here.

Eventually I look between her legs, it’s a girl! I’m shocked. I thought for SURE I was having a boy. I am STOKED that it’s a baby girl.

The sun isn’t up yet. After sitting in the tub for a bit we get up and get into bed. Settle in and the sun comes up. Then Chloe wakes up. How she slept through the whole thing I have no idea. I was roaring a mere two meters from her bedroom door all night.

Chlo sits on the bed with us and meets her sister. Her first reaction is “no no” which quickly turns to “ya ya”

I have been talking to her about the baby in mumma’s belly for a long time, and about how the baby will come out of mama’s yoni. I think she got it but still wasn’t expecting this. She gives baby a kiss and if baby cries she cries, the new sounds make her nervous. Baby’s cord is still attached to the placenta inside of me so I have no choice but to be holding the baby.

My sister Monica arrives and feeds Chloe breakfast and takes her for the day so I can focus on birthing the placenta.

That takes 18 hours to happen. During those 18 hours I try every trick in the book. I’m not worried, I keep eating regularly and resting, I’m not bleeding very much, I’m not weak. I know what the hospital offers and it will be my last resort.

In the end what I needed was to go to bed, get some sleep and then have a nice long nursing session.

I finally feel her release and fall PLOP into the toilet at 11pm. The celebration in the house is huge. My mom and Luc were both very worried, again I was not but I didn’t want the story to end with a trip to the hospital. We had a little celebration moment in the bathroom while I had a rinse in the tub. We put the placenta in a bowl with salt and herbs and wrapped it in a cloth. I had cut the cord earlier 5 hours after the birth trying to give myself a chance to birth the placenta alone.

Chloé comes home the next morning, she had her first sleep over at my sisters place. They had a ball together and it was nice for me to have that time.